I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
