the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
