I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
