Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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