I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
