After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
