why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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