gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
