Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
operation have a gay friend backfired
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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