I think my fart just growled at me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
