i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
