one two three fourrrrnication!
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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