I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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