dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
