Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
