i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
