only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
