I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
