i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
How external is "for external use only"?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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