I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
