i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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