I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
