My room smells like vodka and shame
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
