the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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