so that wasnt chicken after all
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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