end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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