At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
