Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
