Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I touched a dick in church today
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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