Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
