I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
