take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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