I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
