I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Randomize
