How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
