I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
