Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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