who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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