sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
