Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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