I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
this just has baby written all over it
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
