she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
