operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
