come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
