Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
