Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
