i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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