Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
