There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
