john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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