i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
