Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
