If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
