I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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